Start Living in the Now

"We can start again countless times in our lives...a new job, a new relationship, a new day. Why does a fresh beginning feel so good, yet at the same time, just a bit scary?" -Flow Magazine

Lately, it seems all I do is say to myself...WHEN. 

When

I

lose

weight.

When 

the 

kids 

are settled

and 

on their own.

When 

we have 

enough 

money and security.

When 

the house 

is 

in 

order.

WHEN.

To be perfectly honest I am sick and tired of the word When.

I want so desperately to be living in the 

NOW.

As the big 5-0 gets closer and my life keeps 

looking more and more different...

I find myself standing still.

Not moving...

at 

all.

I am frightened.

Change can be hard.

But it CAN be exciting, too.

A canvas I created several years ago

Today I took time to sit quietly and write in my journal.

It's what I've always done for as long as I can remember.

In Jr. High my thoughts were printed in a tiny golden diary...the one that had a key  to keep all your secrets safe.

Most of that book is filled with daily weather reports and my crush on Donny Beger.

By High School I was writing volumes in my Garfield and Ziggy notebooks. Everything from 

my dreams of covering a political convention to what was bothering me...my parents, my friends, school...and yes, Donnie filled up more pages in these notebooks than I care to comment!

Today I wrote down my goals as I Journey towards 50.

I know I want more HAPPY in my days. 

It's not that I don't have that now...but I want more.

I want to live in the NOW.

No more living in the WHEN.

There is so much lost in the WHEN.

I am DONE for the next 6 months obsessing about my weight. 

My ENTIRE life I have never felt good enough because I was "fat".

Girls, that is ME on the far left in 1999 at my first Marathon. 

During this time I thought I was so overweight. 

I was constantly obsessing about food and exercise and putting myself down.

Looking at this photo now

I can't believe how healthy and in shape I look!!

I never saw that or felt that while I was living that.

Sad.

I WILL be taking long walks, eating healthy and watching myself...

but I am DONE saying WHEN I get thin. When I can wear a size 10.

I am 49.5 years old.

I wear a size 14.

I 

am

happy

with

that.

In the next 6 months I will 

write more

be kinder

enjoy coffee while I read a favorite book.

I will wear what brings me JOY.

I will be kind to 

ME.

I will be the best version of myself!